Sometime’s I feel so far away from where I am
I lose sight of where I’m going
everything tethering me to
my goals, and dreams and plans
comes loose and pushes me
into inky, inescapable darkness.
That is what depression feels like
Other times I feel like I am one
shiny cog in a brand new
clock, working perfectly
in sync and ever so
faithfully ticking forward.
This is what recovery feels like
For anyone having a rough time;
I understand. I am with you. I know how you feel, and I’m not saying that because I’m trying to appear sympathetic.
I know that sometimes putting two feet on the floor, getting out of the warm cave of bed, feels harder than climbing a mountain.
I know that people say “it gets better” and it makes you feel worse. I know they say you just have to get over it. I know they say these things because they care but sometimes care feels like the opposite of what you’re getting.
Battling with depression and anxiety is something I never thought I would have to experience. I thought that my mood swings were part of life and that crying uncontrollably at random times was ‘just hormones’. I wrote off how I felt and pushed it under the proverbial rug.
Since my diagnosis over a year ago, I have learned to live life in a way that is entirely different. Different, but good.
I now know how to avoid spiraling. I know what sets me off, and I know when to take a step back. I know when to take a day off for mental health. I know all these things that I thought I wouldn’t have to.
At the end of the day, though, I am happy. I am happy with my recovery because it uncovered my strength. I am happy that I found support and love. I am so so happy.
I wish I could go back to my younger self and shake her. I would tell her that her feelings are valid. I would tell her to get help, and not to give up.
Sometimes cliches are stupid, but sometimes you have to embrace them. The rain will stop and the flowers will grow.
The rain will stop and the flowers will grow.