Today, I FaceTime’d my mom and cried.
I cried, for the first time since the inauguration, and now I can’t stop. My mind is swirling through all the horrible things that have happened and the stress feels so insurmountable I feel I just may stop breathing.
I hate this president. I hate him, but mostly I fear him. I fear the horrible things he has done in only a matter of days, and I fear the repercussions. I fear what else he can do. I don’t think he can stop.
I cried for the women who can no longer feel protected. I cry for the fact that after having so little, even more can be taken away. I cry for the fact that this white man will never have any idea how it feels to be a woman, sitting and waiting for what could destroy all your rights to your own body. He will never know, and that lack of empathy terrifies me.
I cry for the fact that millions of women marching all over the globe was not enough to make this ignorant man feel dissuaded to sign this global gag bill. I feel disgusted. I feel ashamed to be an American. I feel hurt. I feel so many emotions that I feel like I don’t even know how to properly express them anymore.
I cry because I can feel an immense cloud hovering over me. I feel like I can’t shake it because I am just so afraid of what this man will do. I feel like I am in an abusive relationship. This whole country is in an abusive relationship.
When you call yourself an activist, you enmesh yourself with the issues you are passionate about. You nestle into the tangled web they weave and you live there. You feel the pain of those who suffer every day. You think about it all the time. You become involved more deeply than any non-activist could possibly understand.
The problem with this arises when people like Donald Trump start to get involved. The problems arise when issues you are so deeply involved with are smashed. You feel crushed when you read that he wants to continue the DAPL, after you spent weeks crying and signing petitions and fighting just waiting for the injustice to end.
Being an activist is hard when your work seems thwarted by someone who does not respect or listen to you.
Donald Trump is supposed to be a president. He is supposed to listen, and try to support the people, but has continued to act in his own convoluted self-interest. That is not a President I respect or support. That is #NotMyPresident.