“Busy” has become the driving force in my life. I’m in a constant state of ticking off checklists and working towards the ever receeding goal of graduation in the distance. My blood caffeine level is at an all time high.
I guess I’ve reached the proverbial ‘sophomore slump’
I’ve been questioning a lot of aspects of my life lately. My path, my major, where my happiest place would be. It’s hard to know where you’ll end up when you’re not even halfway there. It’s like hyping up a vacation destination in your head, only to realize the real place is a dingy motel on the side of a freeway and the biggest attraction is the questionable buffets and overpriced tourist spots.
College, education, jobs, families, and more generally, our paths, are predetermined. We have the means, it’s expected, encouraged to get a degree in a field of your choice and find a job. “Be content here” they say, “this is your life.” A degree is the bare minimum. I realize this privledge and I’m happy to have the opportunity to be at college at all.
But I’m doubting so many things. My major, first and foremost is taking over all my thoughts like a heavy thunder cloud, threatening to unleash fat raindrops at any time.
I sat doing an accounting test and though, what am I doing? Do I even find this subject interesting?
My happiest and most calming moments are in writing. Forming words and letting them sink into the fibers of a page is the best way I know to connect. It’s my hobby and my passion – forming sentences that are just as appealing to write as they are to read.
It’s difficult to know, sometimes, if ‘the path’ is right. Each looks so different, and what may be obvious to us is not always clear to others. My friends pointed out that I really didn’t seem to enjoy business as a major, even before I did.
We aren’t given a road map or traffic lights to tell us to turn, or slow down or seek an alternate route. We are lost in the woods with limited means and told to get out. Sometimes it feels less like a journey and more like survival.
The coming weeks are bringing cooler air, and the opportunity to wear my faveorite vintage scarves. I’m making it a goal to focus on my hobbies, passions and loves. To read until my eyes can’t stay open, and to write until my hand cramps. I want to rediscover and reconnect with my passions, rather than putting pressure on myself to find passion in something it doesn’t exist in for me.